It's what has gotten me thru the past 9 months and continues to get me thru each day.


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This time 2 years ago I was gearing up for my birthday and also my 3rd and biggest surgery. The “Lat flap” surgery that took 8 hours and had me in 3 or 4 different positions on the operating table. It involved taking skin and muscle from my back and nerves still in tact moving it around to the front to make a patch so I would have enough room to put in an expander and later an implant. When they did my mascetomy the mass was bigger than they thought and there wasn't enough room to put the expander for reconstruction. I had one expander on the right and flat on the left for 7 months. It is amazing what you can get used to as your new normal. I had a little pillow that I put in the left side when I went out but at home I wouldn't use it. I have photos where you can see the difference. I wanted to have some photos of what was real. The reality was that I lived with just one breast for 7 months. I never felt like a part of me had been "amputated" I saw it as the surgeon h...
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"As it Was"

 Almost 6 years later and I'm still saying to myself, "After this test I'll be able to put cancer out of my mind", "After this doctor visit... after I get this pain checked...". Right now I'm waiting for the results of my most current MRI. I had one on my neck because of some numbness in my hands when I'm laying down and today I had to have on my back, middle and lower because of some out of the blue back pain. I had my first colonoscopy and it came back clear as clear can be. No polyps or anything. I expected a free and clear but shortly after I started having back pain that didn't come from an injury or anything. So... now I wait for more results and I keep busy and try to not worry. It's interesting how you keep thinking, "I wonder if it will come back?" and it either does or it doesn't.   I do know that when I'm stressed out it's worse. It's all worse, the IBS, the back pain, the racing heart, the blood pressure....
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My "Cancer Card" Expired

For those cancer survivors out there, did you ever feel like there was a moment when your "Cancer Card" expired? At first thought it sounds like it would be a good thing. Oh, my cancer card expired, I'm back to being one of the "normal" people. You'd never know I had cancer and went thru hell because my hair has grown back, I've gained back the weight I lost during all that chemo and those 5 surgeries. But for me, there were those people who were only nice to me because I "was the one who had cancer' The mean people at work or at the kids school who were mean to everyone but for some reason were not mean to me. I found out it was because I was the "one who had cancer' and if they were mean to me it would make them look like the assholes they really were. I don't use that word often or lightly.  So, about midnight last night I guess my "cancer card" expired because the jerk at work decided to target me about that time. I d...
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