“How are you feeling? Your smiling, but your always smiling”

 2 years ago. I had had my gallbladder out and ended up back in the ER because of intense pain. I remember checking into the ER and I had to keep talking my self out of passing out from the pain. I told the woman behind the glass, I just had surgery this morning and I've had a bi-lateral mastectomy, 3 babies and this was the worst pain out of it all. I spent 3 days in the hospital and at one point my doctor came to see me and asked how I was feeling. He said "Your smiling, but your always smiling." That was me, my theory was to "Just Keep Smiling" My hair was really starting to grow back and I was gearing up for my biggest surgery. You would think the first was the biggest but the rebuilding process proved more complicated. I earned my wings, my cape and a fast pass thru the pearly gates the past couple of years. For someone who had never had surgery before having 5 in one year was crazy. I am really trying to hold on to the memory of right before I fell asleep for each surgery. I remember the first one. Both of my surgeons came to see me before they put me under. I remember the “Greys Anatomy” team fussing around getting things ready. The next surgery I remember the anesthesiologist telling me I was going to feel like I had a margarita. I thought that was funny. I remember the third. The big one. I remember the OR room and I can imagine the surgery. It was a long one and complicated. The 4th I remember the before and the after. It was the shortest surgery and the only one I went home the same day (besides the gallbladder but I ended up back in the hospital for 3 days after that one so..)but 9 days later after the easy surgery was the real emergency. Hematoma, so much pressure, the strongest pain meds don’t touch the pressure of a liter of blood bursting thru a 9 day old incision. Too far? I was still managing a smile thru the Lamaze breathing to get thru. They asked me if I wanted to wait to be put under until my surgeon arrived and I said it would be nice to see him but go ahead and put me under. When I woke up I Remember the nurse was a guy and he kept talking about his dog. I fought to stay awake to be polite and to listen to his story. Then I couldn’t sleep. I had lost a liter of blood during surgery and I can only assume they had to give me epinephrine during the surgery because as exhausted as I was I just couldn’t sleep. I remember having to go to the bathroom a lot and not having a tv in recovery. It was a long night. The next day the current “Greys Anatomy” team visited and I felt bad because I burst into tears and asked to see my surgeon. I hadn’t seen him at all and I was scared. I was afraid to go home because we didn’t know what caused this 1% chance complication what if it happened again? It didn’t and after a few weeks I was doing better physically but that is when the emotional stuff caught up with me. I had moved a serious mountain but now what do I do with the space left behind? #HopeMovesMountians